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Mals.
13 October 2015 @ 08:51 pm
People always said you had a way with words. So why are you not taking advantage of something that comes so easily to you?

She asks herself: What do want?

She ponders.

I want to swim with the jellyfish.
I want to fall in love with another country.
I want mountains and lakes and trees and sunsets,
and waves, and sand.
Waking up early on cold winter mornings
to watch my words fog out of my mouth.
I want good music to get lost in.
And laughter, always.
Growing wiser, not harder.
Golden hours spent barefeet in wet grass.

She smiles, and thinks,


I just
want you
and I
think
I

do. 
 
 
Mals.
29 August 2015 @ 04:23 pm
I'm feeling awful right now. I feel like I was terrible to him. He didn't know that I was hurting. He didn't know he was losing me. I tried telling him, once. Then I guess I just kind of gave up.
I'm trying to pour myself into creativity. Trying to turn this anxiety into kindness. Forcing myself to smile, telling myself it's going to be okay. Because it will. 
 
 
Mals.
28 February 2015 @ 11:48 am
What a year it has already been.
I have a completely different mindset now, ever since I packed my things and started a new life on the central coast. With no desire to ever procreate and being in no rush at all to find my true love and settle down, life is just full of so many possibilities.
Life can mean something completely different when you don't give it a timeline. I feel so free to go where I want and do what I want.
I just returned to "normal life" after two camping trips in Big Sur with some of my most favorite people on this earth. Sharing amazing experiences, laughing until it hurts, nonstop exploring.
Today I decided to blow $75 on tickets to a craft beer festival here in SLO. I really shouldn't have- with all these trips I have planned for the year I should really be throwing that extra money into my savings account- but goddammit, I want to have fun and drink beer with my friends! A year ago I would have made the "responsible" decision. But, the bottom line is, if I were to die tomorrow, I'd rather have one last fun memory than an extra $75 in my bank account.
The plans I have made for this year are fucking amazing. In March I'll be experiencing my first "real" camp-out music festival via Desert Hearts. In May I'm going to Lightning in a Bottle music festival- which I am unbelievably excited about. In June I'm visiting an old friend in Canada. In August I'm visiting another old friend in Glacier National Park. Who knows what I'll plan for the fall/winter??? I can't wait to travel, explore, and experience all of these amazing things!!!
 
 
Mals.
20 January 2015 @ 11:20 am
When you're trying to be funny any everyone takes you seriously. 
 
 
Mals.
02 January 2015 @ 01:40 pm
I can learn to let go of what was never there in the first place; the absence of what has always been absent.
I saw you in decades and across foreign oceans, when it was really just me, all alone, looking down and struggling so hard to imagine the world as it was hundreds of years before my existence.
Just a tiny speck on an ever-expanding timeline, like the millions that were dead long before me and the infinite lives that will live on after me. I brush my hair out of my face and let a strand fall from the tower, imagining that a small part of me will remain in this ancient city after I move on to the next endeavor.
And that is all it was. A tiny strand, no more than a story I wrote in my head while I was supposed to be listening to more important information.
I will try, with grace, to leave it here in this place and time. I will unwrite you from pools in Southeast Asia and from the mountaintops of South America, and from Mexican sunsets and from long drives across the state, and remove your image from the photographs that have not yet been taken and from letters I have not yet written.
I can learn to let go of this, but
I will not erase myself from the dreams I have written (only you)
and I will still take the photographs and run wild in every direction, leaving small parts of myself (and only myself) behind,
because,
what life is worth living that is not extraordinary?
And why should you need to convince someone to share it with you?
 
 
 
Mals.
11 December 2014 @ 01:43 pm
I feel a little hurt, a little sad, a little disappointed.
And it's okay, right? It's okay to feel this way.
I took the chance (with some hesitation) and ended up feeling a little rejected. And it's fine. It's all part of the "human experience". We can't always have what we think we want. We can't always have what we think is good for us.

After a while your subconcious may try to protect you, to keep you from feeling deeply. I try and I can't.
Sometimes I want to.
Sometimes I desire that deep sadness that fuels creativity. I've lost it for so long. I hardly even felt it when I left Sacramento, and I still can't feel it. Maybe I am stronger now, or maybe I just can't feel it anymore. 
 
 
Mals.
18 November 2014 @ 03:12 pm
Morning never feels like a beginning
When, in the last second of a dream
I find myself talking underwater,
Waking to the sound of murmuring
Something about the sting of chlorine
And the copper souvenirs abandoned
On the rough white bottom.
I return to this place from time to time
And reason this is why he left one night
While I pretended to be to sleeping.

In winter, nights are longer but the sleep
Is no better, diluted with hours drawn out.
Holding my breath, suddenly it’s morning.
He would have protested
Anything in those days. War, consumerism,
The coming of winter, the small effort
To breathe between tongue and teeth
Even if the vocal chords vibrated without
Being asked to do so.

Sometimes silence wakes me from
Water dreams, and once I found footprints
Left in snow from walking in my sleep.
Other times it’s the memory of
Pursing eyes to avoid the sting,
His lack thereof, the phantom limbs
Leaving footprints in snow,
Cold bare feet against my
Cold bare feet.
 
 
Mals.
20 June 2014 @ 08:52 pm
October was our favorite month. At least I won't be around to watch the maple gush red leaves in the stale heat on the thirsty front lawn--
that will always be such a heavy part of me.
I wish there was some kind of in-between
With and without you
 
 
Mals.
21 May 2014 @ 08:56 pm
I am pretty good at being alone, except for learning how to cook dinner for one person again. 
 
 
Mals.
01 May 2014 @ 03:04 pm
Breathing in your shoulder, I realize I am starting to get cold. That was the cold summer, the coldest one in history. I still see it when I close my eyes, the darting red images burned into corneas. The sun bows down to dip its silver threads and when he kneels into that salty pool the earth opens up and the sea lights up in gold.
Everything is a reflection of a longing; the silver threads like little hands gripping the face into different expressions. The wrinkles that yield deep shadows. Sand under fingernails.
Colder still, I imagine the world growing darker. And we, well we just older.